


Control

by eclipsedheart



Category: Castle Rock (TV)
Genre: Gen, Mental Health Issues, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:41:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21806833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eclipsedheart/pseuds/eclipsedheart
Summary: Annie and Joy have left Castle Rock and are back on the road, and Annie is out of her medicine, which is becoming more and more of a problem and soon-to-be an emergency.Spoilers re: Annie's backstory.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 2





	Control

**Author's Note:**

> I'm very well aware this is a controversial subject, so no need to lecture me on how they should have handled the situation in a perfect world. It's popular to argue Stockholm syndrome on this, and of course that plays into it, but I think that's also a bit too simple. To me there seemed to be plenty of real, deep, honest love involved from both of them. And we all know that love is not logical. 
> 
> I've only watched to episode 8 so far, so I don't know what plot twist comes in the end, but this is basically about them having gotten the eff out of Castle Rock and just keep going.

* * *

She’s off her pills again. She is trying so, so hard to keep things together, but I can see how it’s starting to fall apart. It’s in the subtle details; the nervous twitching, the way she looks around as she sees things that aren’t there. The tense lines around her mouth. She has started muttering under her breath, telling whatever hallucinations she has to just leave her alone. It must be terrifying. It must be _exhausting_. Yet she keeps fighting them, forcing the blooming psychosis into retreat – to what extent she’s still able to do that, her control over this grows thinner with each passing day – using only one thing as a weapon. Her love for me. Her promise to protect me.

Sometimes she must protect me from herself, and I think that’s the hardest part for her. She knows she needs to get more pills somewhere, and soon, and if she can’t get them, things will get bad. She told me yesterday. Gave me the syringe, told me to do what I did in Castle Rock if she loses control, if she scares me. She _does_ scare me now, but not for my own sake. It scares me to see her so haunted by these monsters inside her mind. It scares me to wonder what she sees, what she hears. How can she keep coming back from that, over and over again, to keep her promise to protect me? How much longer will she be able to do it? She must be so tired. She must be thinking of that one way to get out of this world. The way out that _her_ mother took.

“Mom,” I whisper. “Can we stop for the night soon?”

“Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry little love, I was deep in thought.” She looks around, dazed, as if she surfaced from a dream. Maybe that’s what it’s like to hallucinate. Like dreaming awake.

There’s a sheen of sweat on her forehead, and a haunted gleam in her eyes.

“It’s getting worse, isn’t it?” I ask.

“It’s still… I can still control it.”

But her hands hold on to the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles turn white.

“Don’t lie to me, mom.”

“I’m not lying, little love, I can control it!” she cries out, and a tear starts to trickle down her cheek. “I can control it,” she repeats, this time in a pained whisper.

I look around and thank God I can spot a motel further down the road.

“Turn there,” I say.

“That looks like a filthy place,” she replies. “I don’t want my little girl staying in a filthy place like that even for one night.” She raises her voice. “Not for _one night_ , Joy, do you hear me?!”

“We’ve stayed in worse places,” I remind her.

“But I can’t protect you.” Now tears stream down both her cheeks. “I can’t be there for you when I’m like this, when I have these spells, and I would never, _ever_ forgive myself if anything happened to you!”

“Let me protect you this time,” I tell her. “You taught me how. Nothing’s going to happen to me.”

She looks at me, wanting to believe me, unable to fully do that, but also, I think, somewhere deep within knowing that within a few more hours, she’s going to be a greater threat to my wellbeing than any sleazy truck drivers or something.

She makes the turn, but now she’s almost hunched over the steering wheel as if she’s in pain. I don’t think the pain is physical, but I do think she’s hurting.

“I’ll book a room,” I say as soon as we stop, but when I reach for her purse to get the money she grabs my arm, digging her fingers into the flesh.

“You’re not going anywhere alone in this… this… this _dump_!”

I pry her hand off and try to speak as reasonably as I possibly can.

“If you come with me, you’d better not talk. You know people notice something’s not right when you get like this.”

She nods.

“Joy, I’m so sorry. I’m trying to be the real me, the right me, but the other one is so strong.”

“I know, mom. It’s not your fault. Let’s get a room and then we can figure out what to do.”

I already know what I have to do, and I hate it. But the syringe with the sedative is for emergency situations like this one, when she has no meds and her control is slipping. I know she would never hurt me on purpose, but the thing is that when she slips deep enough into that haze of hallucinations, it’s no longer really her. And the other one, the Annie that killed our father and my real mother, the Annie that was going to kill me and herself when I was just a baby, _that_ Annie wouldn’t hesitate to hurt me or herself. That Annie is never gone, only incapacitated by the medications, put into a chemical prison, and right now, she is free and fighting my mom. And she will win eventually.

But I won’t let her.

The manager of the motel gives mom a weird look, but thankfully she doesn’t notice, she’s too busy looking at something that isn’t there.

“We want a room for this night, please,” I say. “Cash.”

He’s smoking, and the cigarette stench fills the tiny room. I half-expect mom to drop a comment about filth or how dangerous second-hand smoking is and does he want to give us cancer, but she’s still staring into that corner with a blank look on her face. By now, it’s either withdrawal or the psychotic break itself causing it, but she’s sweating profusely and trembling helplessly. She has an arm around me, which I’m sure was meant as protective at first but has turned into a need for being steadied.

“What’s wrong with your mama?” he asks as he takes the money and push a key over the desk.

“The flu, I think. She has been unwell since this morning.”

“Huh,” he says, and has already lost interest. “Checkout is at 11 tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” I say. “Come on mom. You need some sleep.”

“He’s a very bad man, Joy,” she says in a trembling whisper. “A very, very bad man.”

I don’t know if she’s talking about the manager, our father, Ace Merrill from Castle Rock, or someone her deranged mind has conjured up from shadows and memories, and I don’t think she knows either. I’m just grateful that the motel manager didn’t hear it.

“I know, mom.”

We make it to the room, she is leaning on me most of the way, and yeah, I’m inclined to agree, this place is a filthy dump. But it’s all we got right now. I lock the doors and mom immediately closes all the curtains in all the windows.

“They’re all coming for us. We must be prepared. Or we should keep going right now. Yes. Yes, that’s better, we must keep going.”

Then the real her surfaces, and she puts her arms around me, hugging me tightly, and she’s crying.

“I’m so sorry, little love, I want to fix this, I want to fix it so bad, but I just don’t know how,” she whimpers against my shoulder, and I barely realise that I’m crying too.

“I know. But I’ll do the fixing this time. Okay? I’ll help you, I’ll find the pills you need. I love you, mom.”

And I thrust the syringe into her back.

It only takes a few seconds for it to take hold, and it’s a good thing she’s not very heavy, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to drag/carry her into the bedroom and put her on the bed. I hate what I have to do next, but it’s for both our protection.

I tie her hands to the bedposts, then I pull the blanket over her so she won’t get cold.

“Li’l love, whe’ you goin?” she slurs when I put my jacket back on. “Don’ go.” She takes a couple of shuddering, sobbing breaths. “The bad men, Joy… look out for the…”

Then the sedative knocks her out altogether. For a moment I linger in the doorway, scanning the room for things she might be able to reach when she comes to. I don’t want her to break another glass and cut herself everywhere, the way she did back in Castle Rock. All that blood…

I can’t linger. I must find the meds that help her regain control. I don’t care how. I don’t care what happened in the past. All I care about is getting my mom back.


End file.
